When I boarded my US Airways flight to soar back to Charlotte on Sunday, I was fortunate enough to get a window seat. I'm not crazy about flying, but for some reason I like it better with a window seat (this from a guy who bungee jumped...go figure). The plane was a bit smaller, with only 2 seats on each side of the aisle. A few minutes after I had found my seat, I turned to see a young, black woman joining my row and taking the seat next to me. I watched silently out of the corner of my eye as she stowed her belongings and settled-in. I planned to give her a polite hello, perhaps a nod or a smile...you know, a friendly stranger-to-stranger greeting, especially considering that I was about to spend the next 2+ hours sitting inches from her. Much to my surprise, she stared straight ahead, put on her headphones, flicked on the iPod, pulled her baseball cap low, and completely ignored me. "Oooookayyy..." I thought. Over the course of the remainder of the flight, she switched between various forms of entertainment - iPod, books, magazines, etc., but never once looked at me, spoke to me or even acknowledged me. It was the loneliest ride I've had on an airplane in a long time.
Maybe she just wasn't interested in chit-chat. I can understand that - no one wants to find out the hard way that they are sitting next to a salesman on a long plane ride. Maybe she was really, really shy. Maybe she was afraid of me (just kidding!). Whatever the reason, I tell this story because in a sense, it's an interesting microcosm of the topic I'm considering for my research paper. I'm planning to look at the relatively new phenomenon known in behavorial and psychological circles as "Crowded Loneliness." This is the idea that we are surrounded by potential friends, neighbors, mates, etc., all day long in a very populated nation -- but no one knows anyone or speaks to anyone. We keep people at bay, and they do the same to us.
So.........what causes this? How have we gotten to a point where we live in neighborhoods where no one knows anyone else? (Although Melissa has volunteered to be a source for an exception to that statement). What does this say about America? The phenomenon, from what I've read and heard so far, does seem to be isolated to our country and isn't nearly as prevalent in Asian, Middle Eastern or European nations.
During the week, I had thought about this idea of "the strangers next door" and how it might relate to what seems to be a rapid decline in American patriotism. I'm not sure if or how to continue to pursue those ideas together, or if I should focus more on one and let the other become more cursory. The latter concerns me as I see more and more of my peers losing faith and pride in their nation -- the generation that's basically getting ready to completely inherit and take over the country (Us!), is largely fractured and doesn't seem to believe in America any longer! I'm not saying that the last few years have been the easiest or the greatest for our nation -- but don't we have to hold onto the vision for what America is, what it stands for, what it can continue to be? How do we restore unity and a sense of national pride in our citizens, and then how do we get them to go next door and get to know each other?
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5 comments:
Mike this is an interesting concept you are exploring, and my gut tells me that I think you may find is much more prevalent in suburbia than perhaps in denser urban cores. Bickford laughs at you, my friend, just as she did me.
I'm thinking about all of the places where I lived throughout my life and when I felt the strongest connection to my neighbors. Two examples are standing out. One, in my elementary and early secondary school days. The neighborhood I lived in was populated with 30 and 40 somethings with kids (that's both a male and female reference this time, Herb) of varying ages. My older brother had his gang of friends, me my own, and through that "kid connection" I think our parents got to know each other - be it through sleep overs, car pools, bsaeball practices and what not. I think an extreme shifting of demographics and household make-up has taken away this "kid factor" to some extent. Additionally the shift to a standard two-income family and longer and farther commutes have relegated neighborhoods to sometimes nothing more than a big collection of detached single family hotels - where the only time at home is for dinner maybe, and sleeping.
Number two the tragedy factor. Your initial thoughts evoke a 9/11 sentiment, and I think we all had that sense of community almost out of need - the need to share with someone, anyone, as to what was going on and grieving together. Nothing brings a community together like a disaster, either. For instance, there were horrible ice storms in Oklahoma in early December with large portions of the state without electricity for days and in places weeks. The scramble that ensued in the aftermath created this strange sense of community in my neighborhood - who has a chainsaw? Who has a generator that works? Does anyone have hot water? Who has a wood burning fire place still? We all helped out our neighbors wherever we could, and 3 weeks later it was back to life as usual with the vague nod at the mailbox as they speed past the house. So what of that feeling can be captured and channeled into something positive? Tough question, but a noble one worth studying. Good luck.
Hi Friend. I thought that was so interesting that you have so far found the "crowded lonliness" to be an American problem!!
I have thus far belived that the problem stems from the way our neighborhoods are structured. I've told you about mine and how i know everyone. Growing up, I knew the kids in my neighborhood (like eric mentions) but my parents never hung out with their neighbors like Ryan and I do. Now they live in an semi-urban townhouse development in Atlanta and are actually getting to know their neighbors.
But then I thought about the patriotism aspect. We talked about how a lot of urban neighborhoods tend to be democratic as opposed to republican (thus not supporting the war). I can't say being a democrat makes you less patriotic; I think if you care enough to choose a side, you're a step ahead of me. But it is an interesting thought and what does that mean to your paper?
Soon after my wife and I moved into our house we were walking to our car to go somewhere when I noticed that the sprinkler was still on. While my wife hopped in the car I walked around the side of the house and was immediately jumped by my elderly new neighbor out of what seemed to be extreme loneliness. I don’t think I said a word for the next hour while she told me her story and the story of the neighborhood. One of the things she said that stands out in my mind when thinking of your paper is how the neighbors interacted. There were no fences in this typical neighborhood layout so the houses all faced each other with little privacy. Although odd to me she went on to explain how they had their own little community in this courtyard that the houses created and how people had worn paths from the back of one house to another gathering at peoples porches and yards. Looking around now I don’t think there is a house in the neighborhood that doesn’t have a fence. The neighborhood layout is the same, so what changed??
1. The houses now get bought and sold much quicker then when the neighborhood began and people stayed in one place for a while.
2. I think that the parents of our generation were slightly more paranoid then the previous and have instilled that in us.
When I got back to the car my wife looked half asleep and asked what happened. As we drove I filled her in on bits and pieces of the conversation and we both seemed to agree that we were more comfortable with a fence instead of the previous configuration she had explained. Not exactly sure why, may have to do some thinking on it.
Maybe another avenue to explore would be how technology and transportation has brought us closer to those at a distance (established family and friends), leaving little time for others.
Just some thoughts.
(don’t know where to put this in the many different blog posts that have formed, but “it was fun buddy, can’t wait to see you in August”:)
An environmental psychologist named Irv Altman developed a fascinating theory about privacy. Basically, he said that privacy was the desire to control the flow of information (either incoming or outgoing). And he claimed that there are four ways of doing it physically: through distance, through physical barriers (doors, for instance), through conveying a sense of not wanting to be disturbed (like your seatmate on USAirways), and through anonymity. Bickford uses "private" to mean both individually owned space (as opposed to "public") and also to mean a sense of isolation (as opposed to "social"). I think those two definitions are deeply interwoven.
for your research...
http://www.herron-morton.org/index.html
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